


To Want (For Nothing)

by Biromantic_Nerd



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: (Merlin's bi too but shhh it's not mentioned in this fic), Gen, Gwaine introspective but not in second person, Gwaine-centric, M/M, No Plot, One Shot, One-Shot, Pining, Pre-relationship/gen, So it's set during Season 3, Tagged as romantic because the whole story is literally Gwaine being bi for Merlin, Very specific references to the episodes 'Gwaine' and 'The Eye of the Phoenix', bi Gwaine, but to be clear: it's Pre-relationship, merlin appears only through Gwaine's retellings/pov of what's happening, no plot; just Gwaine musing how bi he is, seemingly one-sided pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-21
Updated: 2018-07-21
Packaged: 2019-06-14 04:24:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,170
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15380583
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Biromantic_Nerd/pseuds/Biromantic_Nerd
Summary: Merlin's return into his life is unexpected. But it is much appreciated; because despite what people may think, Gwaine very much can appreciate a good thing when it's right in front of him. And he so very much and so very dearly cherishes the presence of Merlin in his life.(aka, this is literally just Gwaine reflecting about how much he loves Merlin)





	To Want (For Nothing)

**Author's Note:**

> • Different writing style than my usual, but it's cute and gay
> 
> • The occassional verb changes throughout the story are deliberate 
> 
> • **Pre-relationship: Merlin and Gwaine are yet to get together** (but I tagged it anyways bc Gwaine/Merlin is really hard to find and this IS pre Gwaine/Merlin, so???) 
> 
> • **Merlin isn't actually a character in this, even though he's often mentioned by Gwaine.**

Gwaine is a lot of things. 

 

He is rough around the edges. It hardly matters - that roughness - living as a drifter, alone and never lingering in one place. He always outstays his welcome and only leaves at the very last possible moment, rough and ragged and unchanged by any ordeal underwent only to near repeat it in the next town over. Another month, another tavern; another day, another bar fight. He's yet to break pattern on any of his self destructive habits, but he's never actually gone out and _tried_ either - he's never exactly wanted to. He's sure he could have if he had wanted to, but it wasn't ever worth his effort - not when the alternative usually provided a source of entertainment, albeit sometimes a _mediocre_ source. 

 

It is only when the contrasting softness of Merlin once again returns into his life that Gwaine becomes vividly and painfully aware of his own roughness. Perhaps if he were more capable of it, he'd feel self conscious about it, but his shamelessness works to his advantage as he shrugs off any outward indication of being embarrassed. Perhaps, if he was more of a decent fellow - the kind of man he'd actually expect to be friends with Merlin - he wouldn't have waited until Merlin has arrived to shed his gritty layer of roughness like a grimy coat in need of a wash, but, well, why bother without proper motivation? 

 

That Merlin dives right in to helping Gwaine, no questions asked, sends a thrill through him; it's the high of a fist fight without any bloody noses. 

 

Their unspoken and unpracticed synchronization feels exactly like Gwaine remembers Merlin being: warm and natural and overall just _right._

 

The sudden shift from monotony is electrifying in its gleeful wake. Gwaine can't contain his wide grin - and every time he looks over, Merlin grins back just as widely. It's infectious in all the best of ways. And for the life of him, Gwaine can't remember feeling any better. 

 

It is, however, _Gwaine's_ scene more than Merlin's, which does beg the inevitable question - although Gwaine could truly and gladly spend the rest of his life with Merlin and never ask why he came to find him. 

 

He doesn't ask. 

 

Gwaine allows himself just another moment longer to take in the way they both laugh at each other in wild, ecstatic glee. 

 

He'll ask in a moment. 

 

He and Merlin burst into laughter again, still half breathless and faces pink. 

 

And Gwaine knows it can't last forever - that he can't enjoy this feeling forever - but he can very well try to hold on to it for just a _little_ while longer. 

 

 

_____________________________________

 

 

Merlin asks him for help like he doesn't realize Gwaine would do just about anything for him. He probably _hasn't_ realized it. And Gwaine could tell him, but he definitely won't do that. There's some things better left unsaid. 

 

Merlin's smile is as bright and as wide and as lovely as Gwaine has always remembered it being. 

 

And if Gwaine ever could manage to forget, he is instantly reminded of what it feels like to desperately want to kiss Merlin. Obviously, he does not do so and will not do so. 

 

Some things are just better off left undone. 

 

____________________________________

 

 

It's easy enough to become the man Merlin must remember him as - kinder, gentler, a few touches more sober - and, well, Gwaine enjoys being that man again because Merlin is there to see him be it. It's not so much of a persona, more just that Gwaine simply stops needing to go out and _do something_ that undoubtedly will turn out reckless and stupid - because the biggest thrill he can find and achieve is already right here, standing right in front of him. It is achieved not in fists or swords but in shy smiles or wide grins, and he savors _these_ victories more than any other. 

 

Merlin's return into his life is unexpected. But it is much appreciated; because despite what people may think, Gwaine very much can appreciate a good thing when it's right in front of him. And he so very much and so very dearly cherishes the presence of Merlin in his life. 

 

Merlin is a balm to a wound Gwaine hadn't been aware existed until now; Merlin is a sip of water when Gwaine is just now realizing how incredibly parched he is. 

 

Merlin asks no questions, and Gwaine gives him no answers - but gives all of his heart without prompting. Not that he ever does expect Merlin to ask for it because _why on Earth would he?_

 

 

____________________________________

 

 

And another thing is: Merlin is much purer than Gwaine ever has been in his life, but Gwaine can see the way that time and experience have already weathered at that naivety since their last encounter. He softly mourns the loss but he also understands. That any of the gentleness Merlin has left behind is now strengthened by steel and fire - but it has not been _replaced_ by those things. There is a balance now, a more even scale; Gwaine still believes it tilts further towards innocence, but it's perhaps weighed down a bit more by a weariness Gwaine doesn't remember Merlin possessing. And that Merlin has some of each quality now isn't a lesser or greater trait - it's just different than before. 

 

Gwaine can't say that he prefers this present Merlin over the past Merlin - but, likewise, he also cannot say the opposite, to his immense relief. 

 

Gwaine remembers the boy Merlin used to be - the boy that he fell in love with - and he cannot find it within him to long for that boy to return if it must be done at the cost of this man Merlin has become. He cannot look at Merlin and wish to erase his past, no matter how rough or painful it has been. And it is obvious that Merlin's time apart from Gwaine has indeed been rough and painful. Because there may be something intense and _odd_ in the deep well of Merlin's eyes, but Gwaine also sees a newfound wisdom lurking there has quite obviously blossomed from a combination of Merlin's insightful nature and the maturity gained from whatever ongoings he has underwent in this time apart. 

 

So, no, that is not what Gwaine can wish for because Merlin may be different from before - but he's still so _Merlin._ How can he wish any form of Merlin, any version of Merlin to change? It is madness to even consider it. 

 

All that Gwaine can manage is to become hopelessly enamored with this strange but still so incredibly familiar version of the man who is unchangingly still so easy to fall in love with. Just as ever, just as before, it is to breathing as it is to fall in love with Merlin: more natural to do so than to not do so, and a more starkly noticeable relief after a lengthy absence. 

 

_________________________________

 

 

He had imagined - wrongly so - that there were two ways a reunion with Merlin could go, should it ever happen. That perhaps he would discover that the memory of the boy was built up on an altar, and that, upon seeing him and being around him, Gwaine would realize his infatuation was only inflated hyperbolic grasps at happier memories that disappointed him in the flesh. 

 

Or that - if that was not the case - Gwaine would remain unchanged in his feelings upon the encounter and confirming that _yes, he was still in love with Merlin, and Merlin is actually that amazing._

 

He did not expect to _fall in love_ all over again, bumbling and grinning as he attempts to be suave, even though he's supposed to be well over this initial stage instead of falling in love all over again. 

 

Merlin is changed while Gwaine has stayed much the same, stagnant without a spark to light his fuse. But, oh, what a spark, and he's engulfed now by Merlin's flames. 

 

Each smile that he tugs free from Merlin's otherwise worried lips is worth more to Gwaine than anything else he can imagine possessing. He covets them and wants to bask in each moment, linger in that warmth so as to never forget a single aspect of the memory when a memory is all he'll have left of Merlin once more. 

 

After all, there is a quite obvious end to their time together: after they reach Arthur. Gwaine knows that for Merlin this quest is for _Arthur._ He knows that. But Gwaine is doing it all for Merlin and Merlin alone. He will greedily bask in the sunshine of Merlin's smile while _he_ is the one to make bring it into bloom. He knows all too well that he doesn't have much time before it isn't him that comforts Merlin's worries - and that Merlin might not even confide in Arthur and will force his worries down dutifully and suffer silently without Gwaine. So Gwaine must alleviate those worries, those fears _now_ while he has the chance, must draw those smiles, those laughs _now_ while he is uninterrupted and Merlin feels free to do so openly. 

 

He also knows that it is a possibility Merlin perhaps has grown even closer to Arthur in their time apart - fears it a little - but he cannot begrudge Merlin any happiness, whether or not that is indeed the case. Arthur makes Merlin happy, and Gwaine will travel to the ends of the Earth to keep Arthur safe in order to ensure that happiness. The thought should sadden him but it doesn't. It only steels his resolve. Perhaps Arthur _will_ listen to Merlin's worries and fears and render Gwaine uselessly redundant. If that's what's best for Merlin, Gwaine can stifle down his jealously, even though he can't imagine this scenario without getting unjustifiably angry, as if he had the right to feel that way. As if Arthur hasn't spent all this time with Merlin. As if Merlin hadn't been so painfully and obviously _obsessed_ with the prince when Gwaine met him - and still might be. 

 

Gwaine doesn't even dare allow himself in his own thoughts think of the possibility that Merlin might actually _be in love_ with Arthur. 

 

Gwaine has many self destructive habits and courts disaster frequently - but he _does_ know to leave certain things well enough alone because, despite appearances on the contrary, he does know his own limits when it matters. 

 

_____________________________________

 

In comparison, it's easy enough to say that Gwaine is roughened edged where Merlin is softened at first glance. 

 

Gwaine may be rough, and he embraces it because that roughness can also mean sturdy and strong. It's not a changing or an adaption of himself when Gwaine has always been this way, even when he had no reason to act on it. But now, oh now, he has more motive than ever, and he will not let Merlin down. Gwaine's not ashamed to be rough, to do what needs to be done. But he's also not afraid to be steadfast for when Merlin needs him - roughly unbending in his stability. (Stability! Ha! What he would have thought to be described that way before he had met Merlin!)

 

Merlin is soft, Gwaine knows this to be true. But Gwaine has also never forgotten the scrawny boy in a tavern brawl using magic to take down almost as many men as Gwaine had, pausing wide eyed as Gwaine asked him his name midst fight. Gwaine has never forgotten his unwavering loyalty to a prince who wouldn't even defend his servant from being attacked in his own castle and whose father punished Gwaine for doing so. That softness in Merlin, Gwaine has seen, allows him to firmly decide to commit, to be unwavering in his actions even when he is doubtful of himself. 

 

And although they're both vastly different, Merlin is someone that Gwaine could understand all too well. Sometimes you have to contradict yourself. Sometimes you have to break your own rules or your own word. Sometimes you have to do what you have to do, whether or not you want to. 

 

So, yes, Merlin is soft, but - at the same time - he _isn't soft at all_ and Gwaine can only be in awe that somehow he manages to accomplish both simultaneously. 

 

_____________________________________

 

Gwaine has never, never forgotten the way Merlin looked in the morning light as he earnestly promised him that he was going to miss him. 

 

"I never stay in one place very long. People get sick of me too quickly." Gwaine had said, nonchalantly, almost jokingly with an easy grin that always had come natural around him back then around beautiful people, always trying to get them to laugh. He had said it like it hadn't burnt him up inside to be forced to leave Merlin behind forever - Merlin, who'd been the most genuine person Gwaine had encountered by far and yet somehow honestly seemed to be his friend. It had been true, in any case, and maybe it had been for the better, saved himself a broken heart and all that. And if he could have left with the remnants of Merlin's laugh lingering in his ears, that wouldn't have been bad at all. 

 

But Merlin hadn't laughed. "I didn't." Merlin had assured him, somberly, sadly, and Gwaine had been utterly sucker punched by the rawness of it. 

 

Those words had caused his heart to _ache_ in a way that the prospect of leaving hadn't yet achieved. It had been somehow easier and harder to look at Merlin and want, want, _want_. 

 

Gwaine had thought that he'd be satisfied leaving with Merlin's laughter trailing after him, assured in his belief that he can move on from the experience of Camelot. And yet Merlin didn't laugh, and then Gwaine wasn't satisfied, and then everything changed in a moment that had really just been a long series of moments building up akin to a crescendo finally reaching its peak - and that, Gwaine had discovered, had been that. 

 

He had been able to fool himself into thinking that it wouldn't hurt to start afresh in yet another new town, filled with unfamiliar faces, until that point. But, ah, he could try and pretend for a little while longer. 

 

It had been hard, though. Even as he had left, Gwen had been friendly towards him, and he could charm himself and her with a readily used persona - not a false face, just the one that had stood there and heard _"I didn't."_ but still had managed to leave. 

 

Leaving had never before been the hard part; it had always been _staying._ The new change, Gwaine had discovered outside the city gates, roguish grin falling when no one was there to see it, was in a kind serving boy with a large heart and sad eyes as he had left, and semi-honorable prince trying to rise above the influence of a rotten father, and a beautiful serving girl that said no to his flirtations but smiled like he still could become her friend. 

 

Gwaine had always been more than comfortable on his own, drifting from town to town and village to village. 

 

He'd never before forced to leave somewhere _before_ he had the impulse to leave. 

 

He had never before had the impulse to go running back either. 

 

______________________________________

 

 

Plans are all good and well, but Gwaine isn't managing to stick to his. He _knows_ that he's wearing his heart on his sleeve - and on every grin and every laugh and every look of adoration he can't resist aiming toward Merlin, who is _finally_ beside him. And as much as he tries to hide it away, he can't help but feel like his love for Merlin seeps out of his skin, pours out of him in everything he does and every word he says. And he can't help himself. 

 

Subtly is not forgotten - it is outright dead, well-buried underneath overtly joyous gestures and suspiciously warm words. 

 

Gwaine may be able to fool Merlin into thinking it's merely friendship, but Gwaine cannot fool himself. His own heart beats guiltily when Merlin blushes at his teasing; his heart beats guiltily as he stares, mesmerized, while Merlin laughs at his jokes and Gwaine's laugh is delayed by a few seconds; his heart beats guiltily while Merlin stops looking morosely up at the night sky because Gwaine has comforted him, shoulders touching as they lean into each other's warmth. 

 

But his heart doesn't _just_ beat guiltily. It beats wildly and deliriously and happily in love. 

 

His earlier plan of pretending his feelings were completely platonic and determinedly not letting Merlin know otherwise? Yeah, well, it's not going to plan, and there might be a reason after all besides impulsive decisions that leads Gwaine to jump headfirst into just about everything. 

 

____________________________________

 

 

Sometimes, Gwaine thinks he should say something about it. To Merlin. Especially before they manage to catch up to _Arthur._

 

Sometimes, Gwaine fears what would happen if he did confess and Merlin recoiled from him, if he withdrew his friendship; but then he remembers the words _"I didn't"_ and can't help but wonder if he shouldn't, in fact, just say something after all. 

 

And, sometimes, Gwaine feels selfish for ever even thinking that friendship with Merlin isn't enough because Merlin just might be the best damn thing that's ever happened to him in his entire life. And to imagine that friendship as something else? To not be thankful for that friendship and accept it as it is? It just seems vastly ungrateful. 

 

But, well, no one ever _has_ called Gwaine a saint before either. 

 

 

______________________________________

 

 

It's an odd sensation - being so utterly content and wanting for nothing but _also_ yearning for something with all your heart, at the same exact time. 

 

Gwaine can't think of anything else that would make him happier than being right here in this moment with Merlin, softened and sweetened by the light of the stars. To sit here and simply _be._

 

Gwaine can't help but imagining that, the next time he turns his head to look at Merlin, turning just a little farther to touch him. To just lift his chin and bridge that minuscule valley between them, to place a kiss up on Merlin's jaw. Then, he imagines, he would reach up further to his cheek.

 

In actuality, Merlin turns and smiles at him. And Gwaine can't imagine wanting for anything more than that, can't fathom a universe where he is not satisfied by the sight before him. 

 

It is the oddest juxtaposition of emotions Gwaine has ever experienced. To both want more than this and want nothing more than this.

 

Nothing in life, Gwaine has well learned, is ever easy. But he's thankful for the privilege of this particular hardship; it is, after all, a hardship he would happily endure had he any choice in the matter of enduring it. 

 

It is, after all, a hardship that's even difficult to call a hardship. To Gwaine, it feels more like a blessing.

**Author's Note:**

> This idea just kind of happened??? I've been working on it for a while, but the last few paragraphs finally HAPPENED 
> 
> Anyways, I love Gwaine/Merlin and I do have fics planned for where they're actually dating. (But who knows how long that's gonna take me)


End file.
